Words that fell off 03-2014

Words

I walked into my bedroom and turned off the light. I am 34 years old in this encounter. The room was barely lit by the light of the moon outside. I opened the top drawer of my dresser and searched for a tea light candle and my lighter. I put both my hands on the top of my dresser and lowered my head and let out a big sigh. I was shaking from feeling overwhelmed with stress and guilt. I wanted so bad to believe all these words I was told I was, good, clean, innocent, righteous, victorious, Beloved....the list went on and on. What I was saying and what I believed where in such conflict it was taking a toll on my body. I saw stands of my hair fall onto the dresser, the stress was making it fall out in handfuls. A tear of shame and frustration ran down my cheek and I looked up at the white board on the wall. I had started writing 5 positive words down for every negative one I thought....this in itself became a draining and endless task. I pulled out the candle and the lighter and shut my dresser drawer. I placed the candle down and lit it, the light seemed so bright in the darkness. I saw the words I had written down on the board. I had written a verse on the top Colossians 2:2-3, under it was "I AM" loves you no matter what and Beloved daughter I love you no matter what, Jesus. I just stared at the words, I felt so empty, angry, frustrated that no matter how hard I tried....I could not believe them.  I grabbed a permanent marker and began to write the words on my arms, chest and thighs. Tears of frustrations ran down my face and I threw the marker across the room, I felt so hopeless. I looked down at them and I felt...nothing. I stood up feeling cold and empty inside, disconnected from everything around me, especially from God. I wanted so badly to believe them, I just couldn't. I stood there feeling lifeless looking at the words on this board, tears rolling down my cheeks but there was nothing left in me, I felt nothing. Weak and shaking I fell to my knees, "where do I go from here?" I thought. I then saw the flame on the small candle flicker and I looked up to see The Spirit of God standing there. He was in his white hooded robe with the hood pulled over his head, I looked into his flaming clear/white eyes, I couldn't say anything. I looked down and all the good and positive words I had written on me slid off and on to the floor. I closed my eye's because a sadness I had never felt before came over me, a darkness so dark I thought I would die. I opened my eyes and watched as the Spirit picked them al up, he held them in his hands out in front of him. He looked up and whispered some words and a white glowing robe appeared in his hands. On the robe where the words, Innocent, pure, clean, Beloved...and so on. He stepped behind me and knelt down, he wrapped the robe around me and held me. He whispered over and over as I cried, "You are Loved, and those things now and forever are true. You are not alone